Letting go

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak...sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.

I don't remember when or where I read this. I am catching up on all my old posts that I started & never finished. I really like this though. Because I have done a lot of letting go. It started with marrying Tim, and continued with having Lucas. Between the 2, there is not a lot of me left. Hopefully there is a little more of Christ in me.

http://adventuresinautism.blogspot.com/2007/05/autism-in-gods-economy-parents-of.html

This is a blog post that really spoke to me, Parents of Autistic Children. This and the day after's on Friends & Family. Both reminded me of how people have really changed my life for the better with their grace towards me. And reminded me of the people who have judged and criticized and stolen life from me by that. It gave me comfort that when I can't see straight, maybe God can still see my heart and what I am trying to do and give to my family.

The thing I am most struggling with right now is loving my husband the way he needs and deserves to be loved. While he will always struggle with some ADHD and possibly some autism, and there may be ways he will never understand my heart (which I am still grieving), he has really put forth effort to treat me kindly and love me. The hard days are when his ADHD are in full effect. I get ordered about, ignored, pushed around (hard to understand how all of that occurs unless you experience that) and generally I'm just reacting to his personal chaos that infiltrates our family for the day.

I know God spoke to his heart when he told me he wanted to renew our vows on our 10th anniversary, and he thought I would want our pastor at Grace CC to do it instead of our pastor from Sr. High (yes, honey, I have personally moved on from Sr. High!). And he wanted us all to wear brown, one of my favorite colors. And he knew I would want it small (though probably not as small as I am having it). And he knew I would not want it to be lavish. It was one of the first times in 10 years I felt like Tim understood me. When we dated, it was always him romancing dramatically (which swept me off my feet) but me understanding him. He really did know me, but only did things that would please him to do for me. So when we're on a budget, and I suggest a picnic, he only knows how to take me to a 5 star restaurant instead. We've always kind of crossed purposes that way, but that is another way I have let go over the years. Because I knew when he romanced, he was trying to let me know, in his own way, that he loved me.

We've had a really hard, long year. We've come a long way. For the most part, I can stay off the ADHD train or just ride it out. But it still interferes with my ability to trust and be close emotionally. Because I never know when I will have to take a step back and remove myself from the crazy cycle. I love alot by serving and giving up myself, and I can't do that without getting trampled on by the ADHD (I say that, not to offend those with ADHD, but to clarify it's the ADHD not Tim trying to trample me even though it feels like it's him). So I still feel a little like I'm in this limbo-type world where I can't go back to where I was, but I have no idea how to make it a better place to where I'm going...