Reality

Dear Friends,

I am starting this blog mostly for me. I am sharing it with a few of you, because you are either very dear to me and I know you are fully "safe", or you are going through this with me and have a very good understanding of what my life is like: in fact, yours looks very similar to mine. To warn you, this may be melancholy for a long time, and if you have enough of that in your life, I understand if you pass on reading this. I'm hoping someday I look back, seeing how far I've come, and my family has come. I'm hoping someday that, as they say, I find joy from the pain. I'm just not seeing a whole lot of that in my life right now though. Don't get me wrong, I have a blessed life. But I am decidedly lost in my blessed life. It all looks grey and fuzzy and I can't make a whole lot of sense of any of it. I feel like I have spent all my life following God's paths, following His laws, and now He's changing the rules on me and I just don't understand. It doesn't make sense with His character, which I know is good and loving, and never changes. And that, with my marriage feeling the same way, makes me feel very lost and alone and confused.

I live in this obscure world where everything looks normal, but it's not. To put it succintly, my child constantly rejects me and my husband tries to control me but nobody gets to see this but me. Neither one do it intentionally, but after a few years, I am no longer able to do this anymore by myself. By "doing this", I mean I have let go as much as I can. I am starting the new season of getting myself healthy, not having realized how unhealthy I have become in this process. I thought it started with having an ASD kid. And maybe it did. Before kids, I had a great happy and, what I thought was, a healthy marriage. Maybe it always could have been so. Kids have a way of changing things. Esp ASD kids.

I was talking with some friends tonight, and it was so comforting (in a sad way). I'm not the only who feels caged. I'm not the only one who feels trapped in. My child cages me with his control needs, my husband does it again with his own control needs. I'm never allowed to be myself. I have to change for my kid for his own survival. I changed for my husband for what I thought was the betterment of our marriage. I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn't see the control.

I think that's it for tonight. I just need to do more of this again, but I can't share it with everyone. And since I get no validation from my dear husband, I guess I feel I need to "tell" someone, hence the invite. I don't think I would write, if I didn't think it was to someone at this point. It would only had to my feeling of lost-ness....(btw, I tend to make up words).

Thanks for listening.